


I Feel You

by RavenZaphara



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Chara's POV, Death, Depression, Fluff, I can make you want to hug the murder child, I enjoy your tears, Sadness, This is the saddest one shot i've written so far, Tragedy, chara's death, inability to feel pain, self harm hinted at, suicidal thoughts hinted at, unless you think chara admitting/realizing they care about someone is fluff, which in that case, wish i could say there was fluff in this but there honestly isnt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 14:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7718329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenZaphara/pseuds/RavenZaphara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by Kikuo's "Breaking Things Into Pieces"</p><p>Maybe the Surface wasn't the only Motive.<br/>Maybe the struggle was to feel, to cry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Feel You

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Soul-Searcher](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6210733) by [RavenZaphara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenZaphara/pseuds/RavenZaphara). 



> Please beware triggers for:  
> Death, suicide, self-harm, depression, numbness of emotion and physical feelings, violence.
> 
> And also, please enjoy this! ^.^

Every time Mom heals me, I… get confused. She does a good job, and when she heals Asriel, he doesn’t feel weird. But I do. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m different. But last year, I remember how badly my arm hurt when I fell. I remember how bad my head hurt… but when I recreate that moment, jumping off the bed to land on the ground in the worst ways possible…

Why don’t I feel anything?

Asriel doesn’t like it when I get hurt. He gets all squeamish and cries. He’s such a crybaby.

I wish I could cry.

Asriel’s doll was in my hands, and I twisted the head off, marveling at how… cool it was. It felt good. Like snuggling into a warm blanket… I took a knife and cut the doll. It didn’t feel, just like me. But it was much more satisfying to hurt the doll.

Asriel cared about the doll. He’d feel it, in some small way. If I cut myself, no one would feel it. I couldn’t feel. Plus, Mom gets so tired when she has to heal me. I heard her tell Dad that she’s scared for me. She keeps saying, “What if I’m doing something wrong? I don’t know how humans work.” and Dad just hugs her and says, “We can only do our best.”

I pinned the doll’s head to the ground with the knife and clutched at my face, willing myself to cry with everything I had. It wasn’t enough. I… felt nothing.

“I’m sorry, Azzy.” I said, and I meant it. I was sorry that I couldn’t be sorry. I…felt bad that he was sad, but… can I tell you a secret? I was glad, too. I was glad that I could do something to make him feel something. Even if he cried and was upset, I was glad that I meant something, even for a moment, even if it was only for breaking something he treasured.

It became a habit. Break. Cut. Stab… Apologize.

And no matter what, I only felt when I broke things. It felt so good to feel anything at all… even the bad things, like sadness. I was excited to be sad. I was excited to be punished for breaking treasured things!

 

* * *

 

The more someone loves something, the more satisfying it is to break. It’s like… the more loved a thing is, the more of their self rubs off on it. Like they’re storing their soul in it. Their feelings.

I want to release the feelings. It hurts, but I don’t feel the pain.

They all smile, but I destroy what they love. Again and again. And I’m sorry-- sorry that I don’t feel sorry. They fix it, I break it. They fix it, I break it…

I might have gone too far.

I love them. And I want to hurt for the hurt I cause, but…

Dad got so sick… and I could only laugh. I felt so excited. I was breaking something so precious, something everyone loved, some _one_ everyone loved. Even me… and I… felt so ashamed, but I still laughed. I laughed, but it felt so gross. Like an empty jar. Does that make sense?

Why can’t I cry?

 

* * *

 

I stuck to Asriel’s things for a while. I didn’t want to scare Mom and Dad anymore. Why?

Asriel never asked me to apologize anymore. He… would just hug me when I would sit there, head against the wall, growling in my throat because that’s the closest to crying I can get. If I hit my head hard enough, maybe the little things in my head will work again and I can feel again?

Asriel doesn’t like it when I get hurt. He still cries.

Sometimes he creeps into my bed… and I feel… safe. No, that’s not it. I don’t know.

He’s like a soft blanket. It’s almost as good as breaking things.

Until I woke up with my hands around his neck. I… was shaking and I… I couldn’t stop. I ran away.

Asriel followed me. Why? “Quit following me! I’ll break you, too!”

He always just holds me as I try to break myself. It’s not fair! It’s not fair!

 

* * *

 

I began to wonder if maybe I break things because I want them to feel like I do. Why do I want everyone to know?

My brother is so sweet. Warm. He’s my best friend. I love him, and I hurt him because I want him to know. I want him to know I love him, and…

I only break things that someone loves.

Everyone loves Asriel. Even me. That’s why it felt so good, that moment when my hands were around his neck.

Of all the people he could say he loves, he chose to say it to me. Mom and Dad love me, too, don’t they?

…

I can do this. Asriel and I can do this, right? It… it’s a way of breaking and repairing, right? It’s… totally okay. I can do this.

I’m so dangerous, but they love me anyway. It hurts so bad… my stomach keeps rejecting. It hurts. Oh, I can feel it, but I still can’t cry. If I ever cry again, will it look like dust? Is that all that’s left in my eyes?

Asriel is holding me. He promised to see this through. He’ll help me feel again.

The crybaby and the stone. When they fuse, what do they become?

I’ll take him to see the sky. I’ll show him the joy of breaking things. He’ll understand. He loves me, too. We’ll feel through each other.

Mom and Dad cry almost as much as Asriel.

But this time, they won’t hear me say sorry. Because I’m not.

This time, I’m not sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Have questions? Please ask them, and if you enjoyed this, consider checking out my other works. I enjoy writing pain a lot, so if that's your thing, welcome aboard, my friend!
> 
> https://www.zaiyofics.tumblr.com


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